Forever and Never
by ZiPPeR inc
Summary: ONESHOT AU, AH. Jacob Black watches as the woman he loves and his friend, Edward, fall deeper and deeper in love, too afraid to do anything about it. His accounting of Bella and Edward's life together.


* * *

**Forever and Never**

* * *

The first time I noticed her she was walking across campus with coffee in one hand and a pile of books in the other. The sight wasn't staggering, it was just adorable.

She was focusing so hard on keeping her books from toppling onto the ground she wasn't paying attention the world around her and ran into another girl who didn't spare her a second glance when her books fell out of her hand and her coffee spilled over the front of her jacket.

It was when she looked at the mess around her and let out the cutest exasperated sigh as she knelt on the frozen ground that I rushed to her.

"You okay?" I asked, kneeling down and beginning to pick up her scattered papers.

She didn't even look up at me as she continued to gather her things, "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just another day in my life, I guess."

"That was a nasty spill, you do that often?"

She laughed, a beautifully light sound. "No, I usually go down with the books. I guess this was my lucky day."

I stood and waited for her to do the same before handing her the rest of her stuff.

"Thanks." She said as she looked up, when she saw me she took a step back. "You're rather large and familiar."

I started laughing as she nearly strained her neck looking up at me from such a close distance.

I took a step back and extended my hand, "I'm Jacob; I think you're in my philosophy class."

She appraised me for a second before nodding and placing her hand in mine, "You're the guy that always sleeps in the back of the room. Why are you in that class anyway?"

"I thought it would be more fun. I thought we would spend our time arguing over whether or not the teacher really existed, something interesting at least."

This garnered another laugh from her which made me smile in turn.

"Well, it's been really nice meeting you, Jacob. But right now there is coffee soaking through my shirt and it's kinda uncomfortable. I've gotta go." She walked past me and yelled over her shoulder, "Thanks again!"

I stood there, slightly dumbstruck. Having never been on that conversed well with the opposite sex I couldn't believe how easy that small conversation had been. And I had had it with an actual girl, a very pretty and smart girl.

I didn't even know her name.

I shrugged my shoulders and turned towards the Library to meet my history tutor. I would find out what he name was in our next Philosophy class.

I never did figure out her name, she was shy and the two times that the teacher called on her he called her "Miss".

I never went back to sleeping in that class, nor did I start to pay attention. I just resorted to watching her.

She chewed her pencil when she was listening intently to chat the teacher had to say. She chewed her nails when she hadn't finished the reading and didn't want the teacher to call on her. She was always beautiful.

I developed a rather intense crush on her and began imagining what she would be like if I got to know her.

Unfortunately, my daydreaming caused another slip in my grades and I was forced to start meeting with my tutor, Edward, twice a week instead of once.

Edward was nice enough, a little too proper if anything. He was Pre Med but a major history buff which was where I was struggling. All I wanted to do was become a teacher and teach back home on the Reservation.

That required a passing grade and to get that passing grade my professor had required me to get a tutor.

So I found myself in a dark corner of the Library pouring over my notes to prepare for my mid term. Edward, who was supposed to be helping me, was off in La La Land, much to my extreme annoyance.

I tossed a pen at his head, "You're supposed to be helping me, not staring off into space with that stupid smile on your face. Did you get laid and are reliving the memory?"

His reaction was one the funniest things that I've ever seen. The smiled left his face and she came to full attention, sputtering something about it not being my business.

I smiled, deciding to take a study break, "You _did! _You have to tell me about it. Who is she? Is she your girlfriend or was it just a one time thing? Was it any good? Was it your first time?"

The look on his face after the last question was priceless, "Oh my god!" It was your first time!"

"No!" he snapped, pushing away from the table, "that's not what happened."

I sat back in my seat, afraid of Edward. For being such a nice guy he was terrifying when he was angry.

"Sheesh, don't get your panties in a knot. If that's not what happened what's got you so happy?"

He regarded me for a moment, like he was trying to decide if was trustworthy or not. "You can tell me, we're friends." It was true, spending three straight hours with someone twice a week allowed you to get to know them, we weren't best friends but there was camaraderie between us.

"Fine, I'll tell you." He sighed and got a far off look in his eyes, "I met Bella around this time a year ago."

I smirked knowingly, "So it _is _about a girl."

"Shut up or you'll never know."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it, no talking. Go on."

"Anyway, I swear it was like a movie. We met, as cliché as it sounds when we both reached for the same book at this little shop about a mile away from here, a week later she was my girlfriend. Bella is everything that I could ever want in a girl but we broke up a while back after her dad died. It didn't sit well for either of us; according to a mutual friend she was just as miserable as I was. We got back together two weeks ago."

He had been a little more cheery that last few weeks, "So is your mood because of that or-"

"No. She told me that she loved me last night."

"That's great, man. I assume that you said it back."

"I did."

"And…" I prompted.

"And what? We didn't do anything, I'm very old fashioned and I wouldn't compromise her like that until we were at least engaged."

"That's pathetic." I commented.

"Be quiet and outline the significance of the five most important battles of the war." I groaned and looked down at my book in dismay.

He took pity on me and pulled the book away from me, "Come on, Jacob. It's not that hard, you're way too stressed."

"What to you expect, all I do is study this stuff then philosophy. I've been cramming so hard all this bullshit about Lincoln is coming out of my ears."

"Well, that can be solved." He said like it was a statement of the obvious. When he didn't say anything more my look became desperate.

"Running, Jake, running does wonders for stress."

"You're serious?"

He gave me a look, "When have I ever joked about something like that?"

"Point taken, so all I need to do is run?"

"Well that and get a philosophy tutor. Meet me by the Founder's Statue tomorrow at noon, I'll show you the best route and then we'll meet Bella. She's got a solid A in her philosophy class, she'll help you."

"Oh, thank God. I owe you."

"I know you do. Go get some sleep, Jacob. You'll need your rest."

* * *

As it turns out running was exactly what I needed, it was really refreshing. It's not exactly something that requires a lot of brain power, if ya know what I mean. It let me prioritize without making me feel like I had to run and start everything right then. No pun intended.

The course that Edward took me on was three miles long and traveled along the river for a while before cutting off and coming to a path that was more like a hiking trail that a jogging path. It was a good workout but didn't make me wheeze for air in the end.

Exactly what I needed.

Edward and I parted in front of his apartment building, "I'll meet you here in thirty minutes with Bella." He said, digging his key out of his pocket.

"Yeah, sure. See you then."

"Okay." He said absently as he forced the door open.

"Thanks for that, Edward. It really helped." God. Look at me being unmanly and sensitive.

"Sure, Jacob. I don't mind sharing the path. It gets me through finals every year."

"Later."

"Yeah, later." He agreed as he stepped into the building.

--

I was already sitting at a small table when Edward took a seat next to me.

"Hello, Jacob." He said as he slipped out of his jacket.

"Hey, so where's this Bella that I hear so much about?"

"Jacob, I've talked about her to you once." He said as he gave me that "are you crazy?" look. "She's getting the coffee."

"How ungentlemanly of you." I commented.

"I know, but she hates it when I treat he like a doll. So if letting her get the coffee means that I can pull her chair out for her the next time we go to dinner I think she can just get the coffee."

I didn't catch the end of his little tirade, _she _was at the counter. The girl from my philosophy class, the girl that I had a mad crush on. And she was walking towards me now. Something dawned on me.

_No… please don't let her be coming to sit with us… please don't let her be…_

"Bella!" Edward said, his voice filled to the brim with relief. Like being away from her for two minutes killed him. What I was going through could kill a man, not that.

My misery was made complete when Bella leaned in a kissed him full on the mouth, and much to my horror, there was tongue involved.

She smiled that beautiful smile when she looked up at me, "You're very large and familiar."

I couldn't help but smile when she repeated her first greeting, "And you, I see, are yet again in dangerously close proximity to hot coffee." She laughed, in part because of my comment and in part because of Edward's look of confusion.

She kissed him on the cheek, "I fell a while back, spilled coffee all over myself. Jacob-" she looked at me to confirm that she had gotten my name correct and turned back to Edward when I nodded, "helped me."

"Yeah, you're girlfriend is a little bit of a klutz." I deadpanned in the most non mean way I could. I was in pieces inside, she _barely _remembered my name and was in love with someone I considered my friend. And he was in love with her.

Shit.

* * *

Bella did become my tutor, we spent a lot of time talking because Bella said that you couldn't learn philosophy from a book.

I passed that class with a high C and passed history with a low B. I know I would have done better if I could have stopped imagining a world where Edward didn't exist then beating myself up over wishing that my friend had never been born.

During the time that I spent with Bella my crush escalated to an "I want to marry you and die with you by my side" type crush. More commonly known as love.

But Edward was there and he loved her more than anything, and the feeling was mutual. I doubt I could break them up if I tried.

So I sucked it up and suffered in quiet. I even went as far as inviting them back to Washington with me for Spring Break. I wanted to show Bella First Beach and hopefully every time that she saw something beautiful she would compare it to the beach and think of me for showing it to her in the first place.

I approached Bella about it on a weekend when Edward had gone to see his mom.

She, being her accommodating self, immediately agreed, though somewhat tentatively. After all, she and Edward had to make decisions about that kind of thing as a _couple. _When she said that my grip on my coffee mug tightened so much I was about a second away from it shattering in my hand.

--

I ran into Edward the next weekend while I was running along the route he had shown me.

He, too, was in his running clothes but was stopped on the pedestrian bridge that ran over the river. Both his hands held the railing in front of him and he stared at the water below him.

Walking up behind him I slapped him on the back in greeting causing him to jump and look around frantically.

"Oh God, Jake, it's only you."

I laughed, "And am I not good enough or something?"

"No, no. It's not like that, I'm just… thinking." He took a deep breath and looked down, "I've been thinking a lot lately."

"Yeah, Bella said something that you were a little weird lately. She said that you barely heard her when she tried to talk to you about coming to Washington with me for Spring Break. What's on your mind?"

"Bella did something over the Christmas Break that got me thinking about something."

"What did she do?"

"We were with her mom in Florida, you know?" He turned around and leaned against the railing to face me, "Well her mom let us sleep in the same room. When we got into the room I just threw myself down on the bed and closed my eyes. Then like a minute later Bella jumps on top of me telling me that I'm on her side of the bed.

"Then she said that I was going to have to sleep on the other side because the right side of the bed would be hers as long as we were alive."

I listened to him, squelching the jealousy as best I could, but failed to see why he was so worked up about something as seemingly ordinary as that.

"What's got you so distracted about that?"

He got a far away look in his eyes, "The way that she said it, it was like she expected us to be together forever."

"Do you plan on breaking up with her?" I couldn't tell you I wanted to jump for joy or kill him for even considering breaking her heart over a stupid fear of commitment.

"No, I'm going to ask her to marry me, I got my grandmother's ring from my mom last weekend. I think I'll ask her over spring break when we go to Washington with you."

* * *

God, I was so stupid to think for even a second that he would break up with her. He was too in love with her. That and my luck wasn't that good.

So, there I was, sitting around a fire at First Beach, surrounded by my child hood friends and watching Bella and Edward stare at each other. Bella had been wearing her engagement ring for a day.

Edward had been carrying that old golden ring around since we had arrived in Washington telling me that he wanted to be ready when the time came.

As it turns out, when I brought them to First Beach the day before Edward thought that the perfect time and location had presented itself.

I've never a hand crush through my chest and rip my heart out but I imagine the sensation that tore through my body could easily match that pain.

She was getting married. Bella was getting married.

The first woman I had ever loved was getting married to the first friend I had that I hadn't known since diapers.

The next night we returned for a bonfire so Edward and Bella could meet my friends from home. As soon as Emily started gushing over the ring I left under the pretense that I was headed to the car to get more blankets.

As soon as I knew I was out of their range of sight I ducked behind I tree and sunk to the ground, my head in my hands.

I could only imagine what a life with Bella would be like, marrying her, making love to her, having her carry my child, growing old with her.

With a tear I let go of any fantasies of Bella reciprocating my feelings and leaving Edward. I knew it was officially a lost cause this morning when Bella and Edward came downstairs, she was wearing her favorite sweats and the shirt that Edward had gone to sleep in. If that wasn't a clue the stupid grins on their faces and the way Edward always seemed to be touching her was a neon sign saying, "THEY HAD SEX."

Of course to them it was "making love".

To me it was just the icing on top of the fucking cake.

* * *

I was at the church where Edward had been baptized less than a year later, waiting for the wedding precession to begin.

When Bella began her journey down the aisle the dull ache in my chest exploded into sharp stabbing pains. She was smiling brilliantly as she walked down the aisle towards where I stood.

Not that I was the one she was looking at, anyway. I was just one of the groomsmen and Edward stood next to the minister looking at Bella like she was his saving grace. And she was, just like she was mine.

She looked resplendent in her dress, holding a bouquet of lilies and freesia and completely unaware of anyone else in the room.

I, no matter how much I wanted to stare at Bella for the rest of time, had to focus on not throwing up. To say that I got a little smashed last night would be an understatement.

I had needed a little liquid courage to get me through the day that the woman of my dreams would be marrying the best friend I had ever had. Trust me, you would too. That little plan of mine backfired when I remembered that I would, in fact, not stay drunk but get a hangover instead.

Hence the whole trying not to blow chunks thing.

By the time I stopped berating myself for falling under the bar Bella had reached the end of the aisle and was just stepping up to the alter, her hand securely in Edward's.

When it came time for the vows I was already zoned out, trying not to object to their marriage. I was about a second away when some of Bella's vows made it to my brain.

"I've never felt this way about anyone before, not even close. You're the only person that I could ever imagine spending the rest of my life with."

Talk about a low blow, even if she didn't intend it to be a blow at all.

--

At the reception I danced with a few girls, not that I really remember them that well. The only dance I remember was when I danced with Bella. She was absolutely glowing, constantly sneaking glances at Edward.

"You look amazing, Bells." I said, trying to draw her attention back to me.

"Yeah, Edward's sister, Alice, is a really great designer. One day I'm going to be able to say I wore the very first Alice Cullen wedding dress." She laughed, no doubt imagining it. "She told me that she's already begun designing maternity clothes."

"You aren't-" I choked on the word, "pregnant, are you?"

No, not yet. Edward and I will want a baby someday, I know that but we're moving to Chicago so he can go to medical school. I've already got a teaching job all lined up. It's too soon for a baby, we're not ready yet."

"Yeah." I agreed. The selfish part of me hoped that they would never be ready but Bella was so confidant that it would happen for them. And the part of me that was Edward's best friend had to admit that they would both be amazing parents.

--

I was one of the last people to leave the hotel ballroom where the reception was held. With one glance backwards I saw Bella and Edward dancing to no music, eyes closed and foreheads touching.

That's when it hit me.

They were married and even if I had objected they still would have been married only I wouldn't have been there to witness my best friends' happiness.

* * *

When Edward and Bella returned from their honeymoon it dawned on me how fast their move to Chicago was approaching and I threw them a going away barbecue.

That was the last time that I saw them in person for four years. Edward was in medical school and money was tight for them, and me. I graduated a year after them and moved back to La Push and became a mechanic (as it turns out teaching was not for me). They sent me a Christmas card every year with a personalized note on the back from both of them and we talked on the phone, exchanged emails but in the end it wasn't enough.

I missed them.

Four Christmases after their move the Christmas card arrived like clockwork. The picture was of the two of them all wrapped up to ward of the Chicago wind, standing in a park somewhere were snow covered the barren trees. It was very Halmark-esque. Bella looked stunning and the both of them looked ecstatic but that wasn't what drew my eye. Bella was pregnant, about five months along if I had to guess.

It hurt more than dealing with finding out who she was, their engagement and wedding all wrapped together. Times five.

I immediately flipped the card over to find their explanation for not calling me the second the stick turned blue, as the best friend I expected these things.

_Hey Jake!_

_I know that you probably want to kill us for not telling you about this sooner but we thought that good news should come in twos. Edward is doing his residency in Seattle which means we'll be moving there as soon as he graduates in June! That's Lucky, too because, believe it or not, the baby is due on Edward's birthday. Edward says that I'm so big that there's not way I'll last. I look WAY more pregnant than I am. _

_Call us and we'll figure out a time to get together as soon as we get settled in Seattle._

_Love, Bella_

Edward had scratched the post script at the bottom.

_P.S. Hey man, I really wanted to tell you sooner but the residency wasn't a for sure thing yet. Don't worry; we saved the God Father role for you. You're gonna by my kid's "Uncle Jakey"._

* * *

I couldn't hold it against them. I was too excited that Bella and Edward were coming to live in Washington. Especially Bella, even if I couldn't have her.

They moved into a three bedroom house in early June and I came over for a house warming party with a bunch of friends from La Push (Emily was particularly excited to see Bella).

The house was bright and inviting when we arrived, I had expected it to be messy from the move. I rang the doorbell, not wanting to barge in if it was the wrong house.

When Bella answered the door the breath was knocked out of me. In part because of the bone crushing hug she pulled me into but mostly because of how beautiful she looked. She was almost _glowing, _her hair was in a pony tail, the ends curled lightly and she was wearing a blue maternity dress. And she was _really, really _pregnant. I was ready for her to pop right there on her front porch.

"Holy shit, Bells. You're pregnant, I thought you two were just joking."

She slapped me and pulled me into the house where everyone else already had already congregated.

Edward saw me and rushed over as soon as he saw his waddling wife pulling me towards the crowd.

"Jake! God you've gotten old!" He laughed slapping my back and pulled me into a manly hug.

"Ed, you're nearly a year and a half older than me."

"True but seeing Bella all beautiful and pregnant makes me feel all young and fertile." I laughed out loud at that, it seemed like Edward had gotten rid of his prudish ways. Or maybe he was proud that he was responsible for Bella's hormonal, albeit adorable, condition.

"The house looks great, Edward. You got unpacked really fast." I observed glancing around the room.

"Bella hasn't outgrown her nesting phase. We spent the first three days we were here doing the baby's room. Bella didn't understand but I don't think she'll make it full term. I'm ready for her water to break any second."

In all my life only three really ironic things have ever happened to me. Those other two things don't matter but this particular one trumped them all.

"_Edward!"_ A shrill voice rang out from the kitchen where Bella was giving Emily the tour. Edward was like lightning, he was halfway to the kitchen before I even moved.

By the time that I made it in to the room, Edward was kneeling next to Bella who was kneeling on the ground, breathing deeply.

"Edward, it's too early!" she whimpered.

She was in labor. She was going to have Edward's baby.

_Holy sh-_

"Jake!" Edward shouted for probably the third or fourth time if his frustrated expression was anything to go by.

"What?"

"You've got to move your truck, your blocking me in."

"It's okay, we'll go in my truck so Bella can lay down in the back." I said as I turned to leave the room in search of my keys.

"You're going to the hospital with us?" Bella asked as she came down from another contraction.

"Yeah, that's my god kid in there, I've got to be there." That and I could never leave the woman I love in pain.

My statement seemed to remind Bella of something, "Oh, shit! Edward, call Alice! She wants to be there so badly, and she's gone through so much trouble for us…"

"I will, love, I'll call her from the car." Edward promised as he pulled her up into his arms and began making his way towards the door.

Edward stopped in the middle of the living room. He just stood there as he and Bella stared at each other. Then she whispered something to him.

The reaction was actually quite touching, a smiled lit up Edward's face and he kissed her, only stopping when another contraction started.

I held the door open as Edward passed by me towards my truck and yelled over his shoulder to the rest of the guests, "Sorry about this but… well, I think you all get it."

--

I sat in the waiting room while Edward helped the woman we both loved bring their baby into the world. I was going insane and constantly found myself in day dreams where it was my baby that Bella was bringing into the world, not his.

My day dreaming stopped when Edward's sister Alice burst into the room, her arms laden with baby clothes and the biggest teddy bear I've ever seen.

She sat next to me and dumped all the things on the chair next to her.

We talked briefly but Alice started pacing and jumping every time a doctor would appear sometime between the twelve hour mark with no Bella or Edward Jr. and the time that Edward's parents showed up. Bella's couldn't come until Independence Day weekend.

I once again slipped into my day dreams that had consumed me ever since I first saw Bella's bump in the Christmas card.

I thought about what it would be like to have Bella's baby have my eyes or hair. Or what it would be like if Edward left and I was left to help raise the baby.

Fat chance of _that _happening.

I had just about convinced myself that Edward would leave any day when he appeared, looking tired but ecstatic.

He collapsed into the chair next to me as Alice and his parents converged on him. He sat there in silence until I nudged him, "Edward," I asked "Are you alright?"

"I have a son." Was all he said. At this point my joy overcame my jealousy and I smiled and slapped him on the back as his mom started to cry and Alice began jumping up and down.

"Is he perfect?" Alice asked picking up the stuffed animal and squeezing the life out of it.

"Yeah, the doctor said that he was really big but he feels so tiny in my hands…_God…_he's beautiful… and Bella…_oh God, _Bella is… the most beautiful woman in the world."

After Edward got some coffee in him he told us they had named him Nicholas Masen Cullen and took us back to see him.

When I entered that room and saw Edward and Bella kissing each other when they weren't staring at the little boy in Bella's arms all my hopes of her one day returning my feelings were locked away. Especially after I saw how much my Godson, the unrequited love of my life's son, looked like his father, a man that called me his best friend.

* * *

After that day, I never even considered telling Bella about my feelings and eventually the throbbing pain I got in my chest whenever I saw her and was unable to hold her dulled to more of a blunt ache.

Bella gave Edward two more children, Melissa Renee and Charles Mason, twins as it turned out. I was there for their births, playing babysitter to Nicky while his mom screamed bloody murder a few rooms over. When I saw how big Mason's head was I could understand why she had lost her voice.

I married a lovely woman named Anna. I loved her, I really did. We had a daughter we names Jessica Marie but Bella was always there in the corner of my mind and Anna knew it, but she also knew that nothing would ever happed.

Bella was like a forgotten dream to me.

I would always try to remember it and keep that memory with me forever.

But I could never quite reach it.

_The End_

_Disclaimer: All recognizable plots and characters belong to Stephanie Meyer, no copyright infringement in intended. No money is being made from this work. _

_So, that's the end of my tribute of sorts to Jacob's pain. I thought I would just put it in a context that more people could understand rather than a vampire/ werewolf way._

_Thank you for reading. I really hoped you like reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please Review, I really love your feedback. _

_ZiPPeR_


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